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A friend of mine in Scurry County and I are always trying to tell the best country stories. His name is Billy Ray and he is real hard to beat. I just knew I had beat him, so I called him up and of course he asked how I was doing, so I said, "Well, I am doing a lot better. I traded a bunch of scrap iron for a big box of dried apples. Now we eat dried apples for breakfast, drink water for dinner, and just swell up for supper."
I just knew I had him--oh no! Without even a pause, he said, "Pam and I and them young'uns have ate so much stuff out of the garden, we have to wear little coal oil rags tied around our ankles to keep the cut worms off of us."
A list of sayings I have missed:
"If she was a windmill, all the cows would be starved for water": Mr. V.
"My tail lights are brighter than my headlights."
"Longer than a dry land well rope."
"We have been drinking out of the same jug for a long time": S.J.
"It looks bad, but we are just going to have to hoe it out": Leon G.
"It's like selling goods out of an empty wagon."
"She was weaned on a sour pickle": Nadine S.
"He asks more questions than a five year old": S.J.
"He's the one who threw a clod in the churn": Bub F.
"Too pretty not to work": S.J.
"Worry the warts off a hog."
"I don't know if I am supposed to be washing or hanging out."
"No, I just need a thimble-ful of it."
"It's hog killing time when the dish rag freezes in the sink."
"I just came after a coal of fire."
"She can fix a cloudy day."
"Like trying to separate corn bread and milk."
"He's not there anymore. They tied a can to his tail."
"She's meaner than a biting sow."
"If you ask him what time it is, he will tell you how to build a watch."
"They passed up a real good chance to keep their mouth shut."
"He's a hard dog to get off the porch."
"Those kids made so much money, they took a trip to Yurp."
"That's a good example of the tail wagging the dog."
"She's all wool and a yard wide."
"If you want to feel real welcome, feed cattle when it's snowing": S.J.
"Like trying to push a wheel barrow with rope handles": Mr. V.
We were on a welding job and had this kid that seemed to know everything, when finally Bud Green asked, "Joe, was you supposed to have been twins?"
He answered, "No, why?" and Bud said," I never did see no one feller that thought he knew so much."
Sometimes, someone says something that is just nearly right, and it's better.
"That man is pretty much okay, but when he was a young'un he took a lick on the head and it idled him."
"The law needs to catch that guy and make a sample out of him."
"My sister in law Judy Davis makes the prize-winning pie, chocolate chip pecan."
Stan Johnson lives and works in Nolan County. Comments about this column can be emailed to firstname.lastname@example.org.