Frustrated in love

March 10, 2012

Dear Molly,
I've been with my girlfriend for almost four years. After only a couple of months, she started asking me CONSTANTLY to have a kid together. She even secretly stopped taking birth control for a while. This was all strange to me because she already had three children from a previous relationship. Anyway, eventually, after less than a year together she got pregnant. Things were a little shaky. She had trouble letting go of a lot of things from her past involving two ex's which I heard about CONSTANTLY! I hung in there anyway. Last year, she suddenly started to have little to no interest in our relationship. For 2-3 months I'd bug her trying to find out what was wrong, but she would never say. Finally she did. She said that she wanted a relationship that felt new, she wasn't sure about us and other comments to that effect. We tried counseling, but she had no real desire to be there and even lied about a few things. I picked up the slack in a way I didn't even know I was capable of, especially since by the time she finally told me what was going on she had started a midnight shift and we had NO time to work at anything. Anyway, now that midnight shift (which only lasted 8-9 months) is done, and I was really looking forward to having the time to reconnect and rebuild our relationship. At one point she said the same thing, but now she has broken up with me. I'm still stuck living with her for a while and it's killing me. I don't know if this matters but in case it helps, she is almost 37) I heard something once about a premidlife crisis). I'm at my wits end and no one I talk to has ever heard of anything like this. She claims to still love me and wishes it could work but insists that it can't. Considering that we've had no time to put into it, I can't help but think she's being a little rash. I'm also having a hard time accepting that this is probably just over. Do you have any advice?
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
I hate to be so blunt but I think she has done you a favor. Your relationship has been based on your trying to position yourself due to her emotional state. I’m not so sure that you really need advice at this point, other than when someone tells you it’s over, believe them. I’m sure she does love you but that doesn’t mean it’s right. Your gut knows if it feels right.
She seems like a person who is very unsettled, and with the children component, I’m concerned about you. She hasn’t been honest with you and counseling wasn’t productive. Many people have opposing jobs conditions and make it, so try not to look outside for reasons your relationship didn’t work. I don’t think it works from the inside, so everything else becomes the reason why.
Is it hormones? I don’t think so; however it may be worth a trip to the doctor. But this is up to her and if she’s saying it’s over then you don’t really need to focus on her physical condition. We always want to know why. You will probably not ever know why, so I’d advise letting it go. Tell yourself that sometimes things work out and you’ll never know why.
I’m sorry you are having a hard time, but try to heal and find a partner who is maybe a little less unsure, and more stable. You will be much happier in the end.
~ Molly
Readers, should he try and get her back? Is she being rash?

Molly is a writer and business professional with years of experience in finance, business development and management. Her lifelong passion and learning has been focused on the understanding and complexity of relationships as well as effective communication. Originally from Texas she has lived in many cities including St. Louis and Portland finally settling in Boston where she raised her family and received her education in Business Administration. She is now living in Texas with her family and is excited to be home. Catch her daily relationship and advice column “Molly Mason- Let’s Talk Love” on www.austin.com and “Straight Talk” in print. You can contact Molly at mollymason.st@gmail.com.

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