I missed a couple of stories, and of course, that is another story. I got to studying on having a real (wild) turkey for Thanksgiving, so I finally found my gun but no shells. We won't go into a long tirade about why I cain't find any to buy, but you probably know anyway, especially if you have been killing snakes last summer with a hoe, chain or bumper jack. In order to shorten this story, let me say that it's right smart of a chore to rope a turkey even if you were riding a horse that wasn't scared of turkeys.
I made that up for comic relief, but not the following. I had been at the house for a week because I had two hernias repaired which adds up to five in my life.
"I felt like I had been bucked off and run overâ€ť: S.J.
Considering the weather we have had, it was a good time to have to stay in. It gave me plenty of time to review a long list of true and stupid things I have done along the line of the made-up story above. It really is no help to think or say "Bubba Earl said me and Billy Burl have did that lots of times." I thought a lot of times about my friend Jim "Bwana" Petrie that stood in the post office doing his John Wayne act and saying, "S.J., there's no cure for stupid."
This cold spell brings up more expressions.
"You don't have a coat?" "No, last summer I traded it off for a gallon of ice cream," or, "Man, what did I do with my summer wages?"
"It's hog killing time when the dish rag freezes in the sink."
"We can finally get that done, but it's going to be like eating soup with a fork."
"It's gonna be a hard fight with a short stick, Festus."
"She got white in her eyes and rollers in her nose."
"She got her neck feathers all ruffled out."
"She got all big-eyed and out of breath."
"She got her tail up over her back."
"Where she walks, weeds die."
"She cleared off a place and pitched a blue ribbon hissy fit."
"He had a look on his face like he had just been bucked off and hadn't hit the ground yet."
"I would rather have 12 men judging me than 6 men carrying me": Mr. V, my friend from the High Plains.
"I don't know if I am supposed to be picking, pulling, or working at the gin": Donnie Sheffield.
"I don't know, I wasn't even there when it happened": Lester Cavitt.
"He's drilling about 3 feet off the bottom."
"His personality is about like oatmeal without saltâ€ť: S.J.
Well y'all, I haven't made my biscuits and gravy come out even, so I guess I will be back next week.
I guess I better go chase another rabbit.
Stan Johnson lives and works in Nolan County. Comments about this column can be emailed to firstname.lastname@example.org.