God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House confirmed Wednesday that President Obama is home-brewing honey ale beer in the White House basement. He’s operating a still. Now it’s all over the Internet that Barack Obama is not eligible to be president because he was born in West Virginia.
NFL owners and NFL Players Union talks dragged on Thursday and appeared headed for a lockout. That could end fantasy football leagues. Who’s going to want to play fantasy football on their computers when they’ve got Charlie Sheen streaming live on Twitter?
Charlie Sheen set a new Guinness record Thursday by getting a million followers in his first day on Twitter. It’s no surprise a million people are following him. You could make a nice living selling the cocaine he tosses away because it doesn’t meet his standards.
Donald Trump returns to host NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice tonight. The recession hit his business harder than any other. Last night Donald Trump pulled off his biggest real estate deal in two years when he traded Water Works and Marvin Gardens for Park Place.
Moammar Khadaffi’s forces were thrown back by rebel forces defending a seized oil port Thursday while Moammar’s planes bombed the storage tanks. The oil was safe because the Germans built the storage tanks. It’s not like this is the first incident in the neighborhood.
The White House minimized the Islamist training of the Muslim who killed two GIs in Germany last week. They downplayed the shooting at Fort Hood the same way. We knew it was a problem during the NFL playoffs when President Obama shouted Allah Akbar every time the Bears scored.
President Obama was quoted Thursday saying race was behind the Tea Party anger at him. He can’t think of any other reason why people don’t like him. When he got a look at the books at General Motors the first thing he checked was how many black cars they sold.
Michael Moore said Thursday the nation’s wealth belongs to everybody. He thinks if you divide up all our wealth you could feed all the world’s hungry people. That’s not going to happen, but if you divided up Michael Moore you could feed at least five hundred of them.
The White House offered not to spend forty billion dollars no one has appropriated yet to say they cut forty billion dollars in spending. What a great way to do math. Mickey Rooney can retire on what he’s not spending on next year’s Christmas gifts for his step-son.
Newt Gingrich courted evangelical pastors last week and tried to explain why he has been married three times. He can’t make the numbers work. So far they’re not buying his argument that two ex-wives will make him twice as good a president as Ronald Reagan.
Pope Benedict exonerated Jews on Friday for killing Jesus Christ, ending centuries of inter-faith ire. There is evidence that Jews have been replaced by Roman Catholics as the Chosen People. Every ten minutes someone drives by Home Depot and chooses one of them.
The State Department Friday considered warning college students to avoid going to Mexico on spring break this year. The drug dealers don’t like having their customers there in person anyway. Just the paperwork on all the sales taxes takes up their entire April.
Saudi Arabia sent tanks into Bahrain to help their king put down pro-democracy demonstrations Wednesday. The members of the royal family feel persecuted and they fear for their safety. So now they know what it’s like to be a woman in their country.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com .